It is a new day. My crying spell from last night is over. I feel better. I went to see my friend Angela last night, who actually lives about 45 minutes away. Just a quick trip and back. For those who don't know, I live in Texas(in case you couldn't tell), and an hour trip is very quick. Literally down the road. :) But anyway, we got to talk last night about the stuff I am struggling with. It was very reassuring to get alot of stuff off my heart. And today has actually been a really good day. My problem though is that I'll start with a really good day and then by the end of the week, I fall back into my old habits. This is what bothers me the most about myself. I struggle with breaking bad habits. Possibly why I don't smoke. Some of you who read this might think I'm judgmental or being too harsh on myself, but I'm not. My actions are not the actions of the woman I was raised to be. My actions are not the actions of who I want to be, and who I have been, and who I know I can be.
What I have been struggling with the most lately is God and guys. I haven't gone to church in a few months, which is a big deal for me. From a few months ago back for four years, I was going to church every week, active member in my Sunday School class and church choir. Almost 5 years ago now, my fiance called off our engagement and ended our four year relationship out of the blue. It devastated me to say the least. I completely changed after that. I was reckless, I quit going to class, I drank and stayed out all night. I met and made out with random guys. Sometimes it went a bit further than making out. And finally the depression got to me one night in my dorm room. I had a bottle of Aleve in my hand ready to swallow the whole thing, when I realized that while my ex would be sad if I died, it wouldn't change anything. He wouldn't be remorseful about breaking up with me. He would maybe mourn me for awhile but he would get on with his life. And so instead of swallowing those pills, I fell on my face before God and cried out for forgiveness. I've still struggled with depression since then, but God has been more real to me.
Not that I've been a perfect Christian since then. I have stumbled in those same areas so many times since then, but up til lately I've always been able to get back on track. And all of a sudden lately, I haven't wanted to get back on track. My friend hit it on the head last night. She said I've been apathetic about God. And she's right. I have. I haven't cared about church or choir or my church friends. Part of me is very hurt because none of those friends has called to check on me, or emailed me, or Facebooked me to see if I'm ok. And that really bothers me. But lately I have been so caught up in self-gratification and getting the physical attention from guys, that I've been pushing God away. And too that's because I know what I have been doing is wrong. I feel guilty for my actions but I don't want to change, so I don't go to church or surround myself with people who I know will tell me I'm doing wrong.
But now I think I have finally gotten to that point. Today was a new day. I didn't read a book with scenes in it that are specifically written to sexually turn the reader on. I didn't think about lingerie and whatever guy I met this weekend (mainly because I didn't go out this weekend). And that's another thing. I have always said I love to go dancing just to dance with my girlfriends. But for the past several weeks, if I didn't manage to find a guy, it hasn't been as fun. Or if I didn't look sexy, I didn't have as much fun. I didn't go last weekend because I didn't want to put on some sexy top and makeup. I didn't go Saturday night because I didn't want to deal with the guys. Its changed. I still love to dance, don't get me wrong. That will never change. But until my mindset is right, until I can have fun on my own in a Tshirt, I need to be careful. I have to guard my heart better than what I've been doing . And I need to guard my purity and my body better too. What is the point of meeting a guy at a bar? I've always known that is not the way to meet a godly Christian man. So why am I specifically looking for a boyfriend in a bar? I know better than that.
I want to change. I am ready for change. As I said before, I will not meet the man of my dreams until I become the woman of his. And I'm not changing because I want to hurry up and get married. That's not how it works, I know that. I truly desire to know God better. I truly desire to seek Him and hunger for Him, and to want His best for my life as a single woman. I know I am still going to desire a boyfriend and a husband. But not before God's timing. Because in God's perfect timing, I will meet a man who will treasure me as John treasures my beautiful friend Kayla, a man who will wash my feet.
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